Over the past month I have learned a lot about pregnancy.
And I’ll be honest, it’s not my favourite.
While I look forward to meeting my son and becoming a mom, there are a lot of things that have made me feel like this may be the only child I will ever have.
But before I begin, I am going to share a piece of my soul.
I have a lot of insecurities. Insecurities about my body, insecurities about my talents, insecurities about failing (school, jobs etc.). And while I have been able to over come most of them or at least work on them, I find myself being constantly reminded by the people around me that these insecurities still exist.
One insecurity is body type. I feel like I am being skinny shamed by a number of people.
I have always been a size zero. I was always the awkward skinny kid.
Now, I know a lot of people don’t have sympathy for the skinny kids but please let me tell you, bullying is bullying no matter who you aim the negative comment towards.
Since I have been pregnant I have had more and more people point out my flaws. Point out the fact that I’m getting bigger, or tell me for the next one I won’t be so lucky as to be as small as I am for this one. When I was first pregnant I was throwing up all the time. I had a women very worried that I was losing too much weight and would remind me (more than once) that I shouldn’t be losing weight… like it was a decision I was making (there literally is no winning).
Now that I am in my third Trimester and my emotions and hormones are on constant cry mode I am always absorbing what people say, which I know I shouldn’t do.
As hard as it is to believe, I am a fairly sensitive person. The things people say effect me. The way people act towards me effect me. I will over think things and take things to heart.
I would never ever go up to someone and say “man you are gaining a lot of weight.” I would never go up to a pregnant lady and say “look how big you are!” A lot of people are talking about her belly, but us as the pregnant ones are usually thinking they mean our entire body (arms, legs, butt, thighs etc. everywhere but the baby bump).
I loved my body. I work hard to keep it in check and to make sure I am living a healthy life style. That is the athlete in me. We love to stay fit and keep a healthy life style. I have tried to maintain that throughout my pregnancy, but never have I felt more ugly about myself than I have since I have been pregnant. Never have I felt more insecure. Never I have I felt more judgment or negativity towards me. I feel like people are routing for me to get fat. Like they want me to gain all this weight because thats what you’re suppose to do when you get pregnant. Let yourself go for the sake of the child.
Call me selfish but I refuse. I refuse to let my child ruin my body. I care about what happens to me during labour, I care about whether or not a C-section will leave a hideous scar. I care whether or not my boobs will sag. I’m not sorry that I care. I refuse to be the woman who LETS herself go and than complains about it and makes everyone else feel like crap. I refuse. I know that sounds harsh but I am sick of it being pushed on me.
So sick of it, I don’t even know if I want to go throw this again. Why put myself through this mental misery?
I’m not even kidding. Will and I had a talk today about being ok with the idea of only having one kid.
I don’t say this because I want pity, I say this because maybe you have said something like this to someone or maybe you’ve had it said to you.
Less and less women now a days don’t want kids. Why? Probably because the rest of society is making it look very unattractive.
I ask you, what happened to girl power? What happened to routing for each other? What happened to the sisterhood?
I don’t shame you, so please stop shaming me.
Common guys. Like my dad said to me when I was five… “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”