“Crap What Have I Done?”

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I have just reached 19 weeks in my pregnancy.

My journey has been a bit of a rough one.

During the beginning, what they say about being tired all the time is true. I could barely peel myself off the couch! Unless I had to pee (which now is very frequently). I would sleep all day and be ready to sleep for bed at night. Making a person takes a lot out of you!

I felt anxious once it began to sink in that, this is really happening! A million things started to pop into my mind; am I really ready for this, are we financially stable, oh my goodness my vagina is going to be a mess after this, am I ok with the idea of losing my body for someone else, and did I really want to be a mom? All these thoughts swirled around me.

I also started to get overwhelmed with the amount of people wanting to give small bits of advice. Even just the thought of someones expectations being put on me was overwhelming. Expectations like; how I should parent, whether or not I should breast feed, continuing my education etc. I don’t like it when people don’t like my decisions.

I was literally a ball of crazy hormones and emotions. And because I was always tired, most of what I said probably didn’t even make sense. (I’m sorry if you heard any nonsense come out of me).

Sleeping starts to go out the window as you can’t get comfortable enough to fall asleep. I am a back sleeper and a tummy sleeper. NEITHER of which you are allowed to sleep on when preggo.

2 weeks into pregnancy I began to feel nauseous. All day, everyday, none of this morning crap. I couldn’t eat anything. I wasn’t hungry and I could only eat what my body thought I could handle. I was losing weight. I would only throw up once a day but the rest of it was spent gagging over everything. If I got up I would gag, if I drank the wrong thing I would gag, if I smelt the wrong thing I would gag, if I took a car ride I would gag etc. Literally etc, because EVERYTHING would make me nauseous. Unless I was laying down.

Many people assumed that come 12 weeks all this would slow down and I would begin to feel normal again. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. Thank goodness for this miracle called Diclectin. Without it I wouldn’t be able to function.

I know for a lot of women the idea of putting drugs into their system is a scary thing when you’re pregnant. But my OB has fully reassured me that its 100% pregnancy safe. If I’m not on it I can not function. With it, I can eat, walk, move, smile, laugh and sing without puking my guts out. If it had a theme song it would be “The Sound of Music” because it makes me that happy (no craziness is not a side effect).

I, in no way have had the picture perfect pregnancy. The only reason I am glowing of any sorts is because I sweat more than I use to. Yeah thats sexy.

I know this literally sounds like the worst decision of my life, but I want to share a side that not many women share.

Amidst all the negative that has been happening to me, I find myself realizing how worth it, it all really is.

Even though I am sick somedays, I find myself extremely happy. I never thought I would ever have joy in creating life but I am. I never found myself to have motherly instincts but they are there. I always thought I would be terrified of giving birth but I’m not (I’m not delusional I know its going to kill), but theres no fear.

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I look in the mirror and I love the way I look, even though I look like I pound back 30 beers in a day I love having that little bump. Its not about the losing my body its about what it symbolizes. Life. Creating life. Making a piece of me and a piece of Will.

I understand if you don’t want to have kids, and I will be the first person to not judge. I understand. But what I have been going through I wouldn’t take back for the world.

Even though I puke, getting to see my baby poke its foot up in my belly is amazing. Getting to see every finger on the ultrasound was literally breath taking. I actually got to watch it yawn! To know that my body is capable of doing something like this, is so empowering.

Ladies, guys cannot do this! We get to do this! And thats pretty cool. I’m sure they are probably feeling lucky they don’t have to go through it, but the only thing they ever think about is the pain at the end of it all. They don’t understand all the in between we get to experience.

As for the overwhelming feelings and the anxiety, that too has past.

I began to realize that I just don’t care what other people think. I don’t care if you don’t like my decisions. I don’t care if you don’t like that I have a dog and a baby. I don’t care for kids music either so it probably will never be played in my house on a count that I will break the stereo.

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I have learned the more you care about everyone else’s overly opinionated opinions it keeps you from being happy. You can’t make everyone happy.

I have learned that I can do this. I can be a mom. I just have to be my version of a mother.

I can already feel its little personality with every move it makes.

For women out there who might be on the fence about having kids, I say this to you: only do it if you’re ready. Don’t push it for anyone. Don’t do it to fix something in your relationship because in the hard times those things will only be amplified. Don’t do it if you aren’t 100% sure.

The only reason Will and I made this decision was because we were both ready at the same time. He was so patient in waiting for me when I was ready. Every pregnancy is different, so if you happen to have the worst of the worst it will be hard to move past all that if it REALLY wasn’t what you wanted. It helped that I had a partner who was willing to wait because now that my pregnancy has been the way that it has, he is so understanding and loving. Our love has truly grown since this whole experience. Not just for this little being but for each other.

For women who are going through it worse than me, you’ve got this! We’re in it together. I may not be able to understand fully but you’ve got this. Our bodies were made to handle this.

I can say with confidence, that this was the best decision Will and I has ever made. No turning back.

With everything I made this life choice. With everything.

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